With the new season of EPL Super League almost upon us, it’s time for the US rugby league soccer experts to preview the 2017 season for all 12 franchises.
KEY: Franchise Name – 2017 predicted final seed from the standings ladder.
Castleford Tigercats – 4th.
The Classy Cats are one of the most winningest teams in the EPL Super League under coach Asafa Powell. They play a real fun brand of rugby league soccer and score some neat touchdowns. Sadly this semester the Tigercats will be missing superstar Dennis Solomon, who this season beat Lesley Volkswagenpolo to become EPL Super League’s G.O.A.T touchdown-getter, after he retired from rugby league soccer to join a sailing club. Coach Powell has made some sweet acquisitions to the roster to replace Solomon, though, with Zac Hardacre and Gardenov Eden ready to make the team in 2017.
Players To Watch: Chevy Chase, Dewsbury Moors
Cattle and Dragons – 6th.
Coach Ray Sinoo has had it real tough in the off season losing players like Justin Carney (Salford City Red Devils) and Rod Stewart (Leeds Centurions). The Spanish franchise’s neat home field form and the fact that they signed the whole of Samoa should just about give them a spot in the post-season Super 6 play offs this semester.
Players To Watch: Jason Battyhairy, Samoa, Louis Walsh
Dame Helen’s Rugby League Soccer – 5th.
Franchise owner Dame Helen Mirren will hope for improvement on 2016, when her franchise finished 4th. Coach Cunningman has spent most of the off season trash-talking the Rugby Soccer League and their England Men’s National Team training camp instead of doing actual rugby league soccer coaching, pausing only to sign old old Dr Who actor Matt Smith, so let’s see what happens when those dames go marching in in 2017.
Player To Watch: Matt Smith
Hull Dersfield Giants – 11th.
The Giants went all out in the off season signing almost the whole of the Bradford Red Bulls roster after they became unassigned players due to the franchise getting liquidized by Her Majesty’s Nephew and Cousins. Giants supporters will sure hope for a better season than last down at Tony Smith’s Stadium, when the rugby league soccer gods decided Hull Dersfield would get the wooden spoon.
Players To Watch: Basil Brough, Leroy Cottoneyedjoe
Hull City FC – 2nd.
Hull City FC will be feeling real bummed about only winning the EPL Super League Challenge Cup last season, but demotion to the minor leagues for rival franchise Hull Kings Town Robins will sure have put the smiles back on their lil’ faces- especially when they acquired the Robins’ MVP, Lorraine Kelly. The Early Birds will sure hope they can catch that elusive worm in 2017, and finally win the EPL Super League title at the Old Trafford Centre. One thing is for sure, things never did look so rosy at the Kings Town Community Stadium. Players To Watch: Manny Canoer, George Michaels
Leeds-Bradford Rhinos – 7th
After finishing EPL Super League as the number 9 seed last season, coach Barry McDermott will hope that his roster is good enough to make the EPL Super League Super 6s this season. If the Rhinos want any chance of making the post-season play offs, they’ll need to up their deefense game. And their offense. And their discipline. A helluva lotta work to do for coach McDermott, then. Rhinos fans will by concerned by their off season trial games where they kinda struggled to do good rugby league soccer against some pretty lame opposition franchises.
Players To Watch: Jimmy Kindhorse, Adam Cuthbert’s Son
Leeds Centurions – 10th
After a 12 season drought the Centurions fans can drink up a whole lotta fresh major league rugby soccer action. Centurions fans have a lot to be super excited about too- acquiring players like Rod Stewart from Cattle and Dragons, and they get their derby game against Leeds-Bradford Rhinos. 2017 might be a tough one for the guys from Leeds Sports Town, though, and they should maybe expect a place in The Qualificationizers.
Players To Watch: Willie Tounger, Rod Stewart
Salford City Red Devils – 9th
After a neat dramatic win to demotize Hull Kings Town Robins in the Billion Dollar Super Bowl, Salford City Red Devils will be on a real big high. They would have made the EPL Super 6s if their jerk owner Marvin Pootash didn’t break salary cap rules; but if my granny had wheels she’d be a Harley Davidson. Coach Bubba Watson has made some sweet acquisitions in the off season, and Red Devils fans can expect some ace rugby league soccer down at The Wind in the Willows in 2017.
Players To Watch: Junior Sow, Rupert Murdoch-Masala
Wakefield Try Naughty – 8th
A sweet ’16 for the Try Naughty last semester- making the Super 6s and the EPL Challenge Cup Sem-I Finals. With signings such as Michelle Keegan-Hirst joining stars already on the roster such as Glenn Miller, Coach Carter will hope for a real nice 2017 season down at the Rubber Dinghy Rapids Stadium.
Players To Watch: Boris Johnstone, Glenn Miller.
Warring Town Timberwolves – 1st
Coach Tony Smith will be pleased with the effort of the players on his roster last time out, but he knows that the franchise have way more to come in 2017. The Cables fans sure can get excited after Phil Clarke signed a contract extensionization, turning down a whole lotta offers from teams in the Austrian National Rugby Soccer League. In 2017, it might actually be the Timberwolves’ year. Fo’ real tho’.
Players To Watch: Benny Hill, Declan Pattern
Wilderness Vikings – 12th
After Gordon Brown quit the team in the off season to go play rugby league soccer at some place that doesn’t suck, Widnes Vikings should expect to be one of the losingest teams in the whole competition in 2017.
Players To Watch: Reece Handberry, Jack Jones-Buchanan
Wigan Athletics – 3rd
John Wayne’s guys, major premieres last season, will sure hope they can do that neat rugby league soccer that won them the EPL Super League World Series at the Old Trafford centre back in fall 2016. Losing former Dr Who, Matt Smith, to rivals Dame Helen’s Rugby Team may be hard to take for Athletic supporters, but they got enough skilled players on the roster to have yet another winning season.
Players To Watch: Brandon Flowers, Willy Icer